Official BITE Communication: Supersecret Noodle Message
To: Y, First Mate, DSS Gastronomy
From: Agent Cook, Chief Interplanetary Communicator, BITE
Earth Date: February 1, 2010
DooF Date: Yraurbef 1, 0102
I’ve received your supersecret request to help you cook up a noodle-eating plan that Commander Pollo won’t be able to resist.
From reading your solarship log, it sounds like your dad was very intrigued by all the delicious baking aromas that drifted beyond the Earth’s atmosphere during the holiday season. The sweet smells of spices and chocolate actually made him want to eat cookies — and he doesn’t even know what cookies are!
If DooFians are similar to humans (which I believe they are), the sense of smell plays a huge role in the way things taste. I’ll explain more about that later — for now, it’s important to understand that on Earth, the aroma of people’s favorite foods is enough to make them really, really hungry.
If this approach worked for cookies, there’s no reason it can’t work for noodles.
So here’s what we’ll do: in our top-secret kitchen lab here at BITE, we’re going to cook up the world’s largest batch of spaghetti (a kind of noodle), then use our most powerful Olfactory AstroFans to propel the aromas through the stratosphere to the DSS Gastronomy.
Trust me, there are very few humans who can resist the savory aroma of a spaghetti dinner — and I’ll bet your dad won’t be able to either!
Elementary Analysis Tracking (EAT) Noodles
Solarship Log: DSS Gastronomy
Crew Member: Y
DooF Date: Yraunaj 81, 0102
Earth Date: January 18, 2010
Okay Lt. Trippe, you go bang up our velocitator and try to be a famous time-travel hero. I’ve got more important things to do.
Like what? Like noodles — and when we can EAT them!
Dad’s still got the package of noodles locked up in our astroparticle-analysis tank, but so far we’re not getting any readings. Of course, Lt. Trippe thinks it’s because I didn’t program it right, but that’s just typical Trippey obnoxiousness.
I’m pretty sure the reason we can’t analyze the noodles is because we don’t have any data to base it on. The only settings I have are Gloop-o-Licious ones, which are totally wrong for the stuff humans call food.
I’ve been doing some cyberspace research, which seems to indicate that the only way to really understand food is to eat it. In fact, the way some humans write about food, you’d think it was magic.
For example, this one Earth guy named Anthelme Brillat Savarin (wow, I thought DooFians had funny names!) wrote this a long time ago:
“The discovery of a new dish does more for human happiness than the discovery of a new star.”
How mega-galactic is that?!! FOOD is more important than a STAR?
If this is even sort-of true, I think we should forget analyzing the noodles and just eat them right away! I know Dad’s a bit worried about this whole eating thing, but sometimes grownups really need to just listen to their kids.
And if he won’t? Well, I have a plan — and it all depends on Agent Cook. In fact, I’m going to send her a supersecret message right now!
Backwards Time Travel
Solarship Log: DSS Gastronomy
Crew Member: Lieutentant Trippe
DooF Date: Yraunaj 7, 0102
Earth Date: January 7, 2010
Hey, I can’t believe how easy it is to fly this ship — and I’m zooming along at about a million times the speed of light! Oh yeah, the DSS Gastronomy really sails like a dream, even when I’m writing in this log and sucking on a gloopsicle and navigating and steering all at the same time.
I mean, I had my share of crashes in flight school — but I am really cruising now!
Oops. I just slammed the ship into an asteroid belt and dented the velocitator. Y came running into the cockpit, laughed her head off, then fixed the velocitator in about two nanoseconds. Little show-off!
Big deal, I say. Commander P is supposed to be flying this thing, anyway. I have more important things to think about.
Like what? Like time travel!
My official job, as Lieutenant Assistant Time-Navigator is to find out how food has been made since the beginning of Planet Earth’s recorded history.
Commander P says people on Planet DooF don’t understand that food is the key to our future. If DooFians can adapt to it they’ll have more energy and won’t have to sleep three-quarters of the time.
He says that if I can show people how to do that with things like noodles I’ll be a hero on DooF.
Hear that, folks? HERO!
Unidentified Flying Objects
Solarship Log: DSS Gastronomy
Crew Member: Commander Pollo
DooF Date: Rebmeced 51, 9002
Earth Date: December 15, 2009
As the DSS Gastronomy approaches the Earth’s atmosphere, our solarship’s energy sensors are detecting an unusual amount of activity around the planet’s North Pole.
Every time Y tries to reprogram the navigation system so that we can get a closer look, the control panel gets jammed by flashing red and green lights. What could this indicate?
As far as I’m aware from studying Earth traffic manuals, red means “stop” and green means “go”. But both at the same time? Is this some advanced form of intergalactic traffic control? (Note to self: ask Agent Cook about this).
At random intervals, our radar screen shows an unidentified flying object which appears to consist of a motorless intraplanetary chariot pulled by large antlered creatures, one of which seems to have a glowing red nose. (Does that mean “stop”? I don’t want to start my Earth travel with a traffic ticket!).
As we zoom in closer on our magnifier screen, the operator of this primitive-looking vehicle appears to be a rotund, bearded human male wearing a conical red-and-white hat. Of course, Lieutenant Trippe is dying to get his hands on this headgear, as he’s certain it indicates a commander of the very highest rank.
Another odd thing: radiating from the Earth’s surface is a strangely enticing smell that we’ve never encountered on Planet DooF. We analyzed some microscopic olfactory particles that we found in the vehicle: cinnamon, vanilla, butter, sugar and … chocolate. Are these some sort of Earthly fuel emissions?
I wish I had the words to describe this amazing aroma. All I can say is that something about it makes me want to reach into a glass jar and pull out a disc-like object. For some reason, I feel I must put this object in my mouth and crunch it between my teeth. Strange as it seems, the idea gives me great pleasure.
I wish we had a ship’s doctor on board — I think the change in galaxies is getting to me.
If the Hat Fits…
Solarship Log: DSS Gastronomy
Crew Member: Lieutentant Trippe
DooF Date: Rebmeced 2, 9002
Earth Date: December 2, 2009
Wow, now that Agent Cook explained that noodles are a type of gloop — I mean, food — I can’t wait to get to Planet Earth. I’m going to go back in time and REALLY show everybody what a noodle is!
I told you before that time travel was my big thing at the DooFian Intergalactic Space Academy. Well okay, I was second to last in my class, but at least I wasn’t the VERY last.
Anyway, let’s just say that my dad (who commands the DooFian Solarsailship Space Force) was able to get me on this voyage based on my ability to jump back and forth in time at the drop of a hat.
Speaking of hats, one thing I’m pretty sure about is that they’re super-important on Planet Earth. I’ve heard you can fit in anywhere (and in any time period) as long as you’re wearing the right hat. So all I need to do when I go back in time is put on a crown, a helmet, a beret — well, you get the idea.
Thinking about all the high-hatting kids who graduated higher than me at the Academy, bragging about their interviews and applications to remote triple-planetary way stations. But who ending up getting this totally top-guy assignment? Me!
I even got a galactogram today from my so-called buddy Bleen, who was #1 in my class. After he read all the important stuff our ship’s crew sent back to DooF’s astronews-dispatchers, he figured he should tell me what this is really about.
“Nobody cares about this food stuff,” he wrote. “Even if it does taste better than gloop. Your dad’s just getting you out of the way so you don’t embarrass him anymore.”
Well, I’ll show him. I’ll show them all!
In fact, I say: hats off to me!