Fahrenheit 212
Solarship Log: DSS Gastronomy
Crew Member: Y
DooF Date: March 4, 2010
Earth Date: Hcram 4, 0102
Wow, cooking is way easier than I thought it would be! A lot more fun, too. In fact, if it weren’t for Lt. Trippe banging on the door of the new solarship galley, everything would be perfect.
Sometimes I just do not understand that guy. For instance, right now I can hear him yelling something about 4000 year old noodles and how he knows more about them than anyone on the entire Planet DooF (including his dad).
Well, that’s great. I mean, I like history too. But: HELLO — we’re COOKING here!
I figured I’d probably need some help with my galley work and since I want this to be a surprise for my dad, I brought Cookbot in here with me. Just to make sure everything’s perfect, I located some Earth cookbooks in the cyberspace galaxy humans call the Internet — and I programmed them into Cookbot’s databanks.
This turned out to be a really good idea because when I tried to read the directions on the noodle package, I realized I didn’t know how to “boil” something called “water.”
Of course, Cookbot knew that meant we should use our solarship’s energy to agitate the molecules in H20 until it reached the temperature humans know as 212 degrees Fahrenheit. He even used his “Joy of Cooking” research to tell me that a strict pasta-water ratio of 1 liter to each 100 grams is advisable in cases where the pasta is dry. Which, of course, our noodles are.
Hmmm: what else could they be? Wet? Well, I guess we’ll find out soon enough.
Normally, I think this would be simpler than ANYTHING we do on Planet Doof. However, the whole time we’re trying make sure we get this boiling thing right, Lieutenant Trippe’s out there yelling about how there’s no way cooking could be all that important.
He keeps going back to what he originally thought our mission was, shouting:
“Don’t you remember the only three super-ultra-mega-totally-top-secret questions that matter? One! What is a noodle? Two! Where does it come from? Three! What is the safest way to go about capturing one?”
Yikes: I can just see him counting on all three of his fingers (something he absolutely needs to do in order to accomplish even the simplest mathematical calculation). I bet his face is that hilarious greenish-orange color that it gets when he’s REALLY mad. Of course, that happens with all DooFians. But Lieutenant Trippe’s way more colorful than most…
Oh, please tell me this is not happening! Cookbot is so freaked out by all the yelling that I think he’s blown a circuit. He’s waving around his spoon like some kind of supercharged swashbuckler yelling: “Ahoy and alfredo! Shiver me timbers and flibber the fettucine! Make th’ know-it-all walk th’ gangplank!”
The bubbles are starting to erupt out of our pot and I have no idea what to do.
I’ve got to reprogram Cookbot right now!
4000 Year Old Noodles!!!
Solarship Log: DSS Gastronomy
Crew Member: Lieutenant Trippe
DooF Date: Yraurbef 22, 0102
Earth Date: February 22, 2010
Hold on! Y’s locked herself in the astroparticle-analysis chamber and hung this big important-looking sign on the door that says “Solarship Galley: Do Not Disturb! Cooking in Progress!”
What does THAT mean? Well, obviously I know what a solarship is. I mean, I DID graduate from the DooFian Intergalactic Space Academy. But what the heck is a “galley”? And is “cooking” even legal in outer space?
How cool would that be, to see her getting hauled off by the astral police? Course it’d never happen, with all of Daddy and Mommy’s connections.
Anyway, I have way more important news! I just got back from my first super-extra-top-secret time travel expedition, which was even cooler than I thought it would be.
I’m not exactly sure where I went. Or when. I sort of forgot to bring the Spatio-Temporal Earth Navigator thing that Y designed for me — it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway. I figure I went back about 4,000 Earth years or something like that.
The place was Chi-something-or-other. Chicago? No, that’s not right. Chile? Nope. China? Yeah, that’s it!
It was totally wild! These humans were making these stringy things that I absolutely know were kind of like the picture on the package of noodles that Commander P’s been guarding all this time. I asked them what they were making the noodley strings from and they said it was millet, whatever that is. I was using Y’s AstroLingo Translator so I may have gotten it wrong.
The whole thing was so cool that I had to tell someone about it. Since I didn’t clear the mission with Commander P, I couldn’t admit that I left the solarship. And of course that little goody-goody Y would rat me out if I told her.
So you know what I did? I made a quick detour to Earth Year 2005 (not sure how I got there, but so what?). I found these archaeologist dudes and told them all about these really old noodles. They were so psyched they wrote this whole article thing.
Any human with half a cyber-clue can read it by going to this link.
So obviously, that totally beats this dumb “cooking” thing that Y’s doing!
Doesn’t it…?
“Commence Cooking!”
Solarship Log: DSS Gastronomy
Crew Member: Commander Pollo
DooF Date: Yraurbef 9, 0102
Earth Date: February 9, 2010
I just surprised my crew with an order that I never thought I’d dare to give: “Commence cooking!”
Why would I authorize such a perilous pursuit? Let me explain…
For weeks, Y has been asserting that the only way to truly understand the gloop-like substance that humans call food is to undertake the dangerous task of actually eating our noodles. It was my belief that if we were unsuccessful in this eating endeavor, the consequences could be disastrous. For this reason, I’ve been adamant about keeping the prized noodles safely stored in our astroparticle-analysis tank.
Then, last night, everything was changed by the oddest dream I’ve ever had. Like all DooFian dreams, it unraveled from finish to start. First (which was really last), I found myself seated before the wooden platform humans call a “table.” In front of me was a circular piece of porcelain that I’ve seen described in human culinary lore as a “plate.”
It was obvious from the glossy sheen of the plate that I had happily licked it clean, no doubt as part of the bizarre Earth process of eating. How embarrassing! On Planet DooF, the fuel-intake process of poolging is much more efficient: we quickly and neatly inhale gloop through the lower facial opening that humans refer to as a mouth. It requires a single nanosecond — and there’s certainly no licking involved!
And yet, in my dream, I knew that the smile on my face and the extraordinarily satisfied feeling deep within me had come from the ingestion of slurpable strands unlike any gloop I’ve ever poolged.
When I awakened, my cabin was filled with a rich, savory aroma that made my mouth water and my heart sing. I had no idea where this strange and wonderful smell was coming from — but I knew what I had to do.
As though under orders from the highest DooFian commander (my wife), I jumped out of bed, rushed to the astroparticle-analysis tank and liberated the noodles. I ran over to Y’s cabin, where I found her awake and grinning a galaxy-wide grin bright enough to light up a thousand solar systems.
“Guess what, Dad,” she exclaimed. “It’s time to eat!”
Official BITE Communication: Supersecret Noodle Message
To: Y, First Mate, DSS Gastronomy
From: Agent Cook, Chief Interplanetary Communicator, BITE
Earth Date: February 1, 2010
DooF Date: Yraurbef 1, 0102
I’ve received your supersecret request to help you cook up a noodle-eating plan that Commander Pollo won’t be able to resist.
From reading your solarship log, it sounds like your dad was very intrigued by all the delicious baking aromas that drifted beyond the Earth’s atmosphere during the holiday season. The sweet smells of spices and chocolate actually made him want to eat cookies — and he doesn’t even know what cookies are!
If DooFians are similar to humans (which I believe they are), the sense of smell plays a huge role in the way things taste. I’ll explain more about that later — for now, it’s important to understand that on Earth, the aroma of people’s favorite foods is enough to make them really, really hungry.
If this approach worked for cookies, there’s no reason it can’t work for noodles.
So here’s what we’ll do: in our top-secret kitchen lab here at BITE, we’re going to cook up the world’s largest batch of spaghetti (a kind of noodle), then use our most powerful Olfactory AstroFans to propel the aromas through the stratosphere to the DSS Gastronomy.
Trust me, there are very few humans who can resist the savory aroma of a spaghetti dinner — and I’ll bet your dad won’t be able to either!
Elementary Analysis Tracking (EAT) Noodles
Solarship Log: DSS Gastronomy
Crew Member: Y
DooF Date: Yraunaj 81, 0102
Earth Date: January 18, 2010
Okay Lt. Trippe, you go bang up our velocitator and try to be a famous time-travel hero. I’ve got more important things to do.
Like what? Like noodles — and when we can EAT them!
Dad’s still got the package of noodles locked up in our astroparticle-analysis tank, but so far we’re not getting any readings. Of course, Lt. Trippe thinks it’s because I didn’t program it right, but that’s just typical Trippey obnoxiousness.
I’m pretty sure the reason we can’t analyze the noodles is because we don’t have any data to base it on. The only settings I have are Gloop-o-Licious ones, which are totally wrong for the stuff humans call food.
I’ve been doing some cyberspace research, which seems to indicate that the only way to really understand food is to eat it. In fact, the way some humans write about food, you’d think it was magic.
For example, this one Earth guy named Anthelme Brillat Savarin (wow, I thought DooFians had funny names!) wrote this a long time ago:
“The discovery of a new dish does more for human happiness than the discovery of a new star.”
How mega-galactic is that?!! FOOD is more important than a STAR?
If this is even sort-of true, I think we should forget analyzing the noodles and just eat them right away! I know Dad’s a bit worried about this whole eating thing, but sometimes grownups really need to just listen to their kids.
And if he won’t? Well, I have a plan — and it all depends on Agent Cook. In fact, I’m going to send her a supersecret message right now!