Solarship Log:

Wow, cooking is way easier than I thought it would be! A lot more fun, too. In fact, if it weren’t for Lt. Trippe banging on the door of the new solarship galley, everything would be perfect.

Sometimes I just do not understand that guy. For instance, right now I can hear him yelling something about 4000 year old noodles and how he knows more about them than anyone on the entire Planet DooF (including his dad).

Well, that’s great. I mean, I like history too. But: HELLO — we’re COOKING here!

I figured I’d probably need some help with my galley work and since I want this to be a surprise for my dad, I brought Cookbot in here with me. Just to make sure everything’s perfect, I located some Earth cookbooks in the cyberspace galaxy humans call the Internet — and I programmed them into Cookbot’s databanks.

This turned out to be a really good idea because when I tried to read the directions on the noodle package, I realized I didn’t know how to “boil” something called “water.”

Of course, Cookbot knew that meant we should use our solarship’s energy to agitate the molecules in H20 until it reached the temperature humans know as 212 degrees Fahrenheit. He even used his “Joy of Cooking” research to tell me that a strict pasta-water ratio of 1 liter to each 100 grams is advisable in cases where the pasta is dry. Which, of course, our noodles are.

Hmmm: what else could they be? Wet? Well, I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

Normally, I think this would be simpler than ANYTHING we do on Planet Doof. However, the whole time we’re trying make sure we get this boiling thing right, Lieutenant Trippe’s out there yelling about how there’s no way cooking could be all that important.

He keeps going back to what he originally thought our mission was, shouting:

“Don’t you remember the only three super-ultra-mega-totally-top-secret questions that matter? One! What is a noodle? Two! Where does it come from? Three! What is the safest way to go about capturing one?”

Yikes: I can just see him counting on all three of his fingers (something he absolutely needs to do in order to accomplish even the simplest mathematical calculation). I bet his face is that hilarious greenish-orange color that it gets when he’s REALLY mad. Of course, that happens with all DooFians. But Lieutenant Trippe’s way more colorful than most…

Oh, please tell me this is not happening! Cookbot is so freaked out by all the yelling that I think he’s blown a circuit. He’s waving around his spoon like some kind of supercharged swashbuckler yelling: “Ahoy and alfredo! Shiver me timbers and flibber the fettucine! Make th’ know-it-all walk th’ gangplank!”

The bubbles are starting to erupt out of our pot and I have no idea what to do.

I’ve got to reprogram Cookbot right now!

Related posts:

1. 4000 Year Old Noodles!!!
2. Official BITE Communication: Supersecret Noodle Message
3. “Commence Cooking!”

Solarship Log:

Hold on! Y’s locked herself in the astroparticle-analysis chamber and hung this big important-looking sign on the door that says “Solarship Galley: Do Not Disturb! Cooking in Progress!”

What does THAT mean? Well, obviously I know what a solarship is. I mean, I DID graduate from the DooFian Intergalactic Space Academy. But what the heck is a “galley”? And is “cooking” even legal in outer space?

How cool would that be, to see her getting hauled off by the astral police? Course it’d never happen, with all of Daddy and Mommy’s connections.

Anyway, I have way more important news! I just got back from my first super-extra-top-secret time travel expedition, which was even cooler than I thought it would be.

I’m not exactly sure where I went. Or when. I sort of forgot to bring the Spatio-Temporal Earth Navigator thing that Y designed for me — it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway. I figure I went back about 4,000 Earth years or something like that.

The place was Chi-something-or-other. Chicago? No, that’s not right. Chile? Nope. China? Yeah, that’s it!

It was totally wild! These humans were making these stringy things that I absolutely know were kind of like the picture on the package of noodles that Commander P’s been guarding all this time. I asked them what they were making the noodley strings from and they said it was millet, whatever that is. I was using Y’s AstroLingo Translator so I may have gotten it wrong.

The whole thing was so cool that I had to tell someone about it. Since I didn’t clear the mission with Commander P, I couldn’t admit that I left the solarship. And of course that little goody-goody Y would rat me out if I told her.

So you know what I did? I made a quick detour to Earth Year 2005 (not sure how I got there, but so what?). I found these archaeologist dudes and told them all about these really old noodles. They were so psyched they wrote this whole article thing.

Any human with half a cyber-clue can read it by going to this link.

So obviously, that totally beats this dumb “cooking” thing that Y’s doing!

Doesn’t it…?

Related posts:

1. Poolging Noodles
2. Elementary Analysis Tracking (EAT) Noodles
3. If the Hat Fits…

Solarship Log:

I just surprised my crew with an order that I never thought I’d dare to give: “Commence cooking!”

Why would I authorize such a perilous pursuit? Let me explain…

For weeks, Y has been asserting that the only way to truly understand the gloop-like substance that humans call food is to undertake the dangerous task of actually eating our noodles. It was my belief that if we were unsuccessful in this eating endeavor, the consequences could be disastrous. For this reason, I’ve been adamant about keeping the prized noodles safely stored in our astroparticle-analysis tank.

Then, last night, everything was changed by the oddest dream I’ve ever had. Like all DooFian dreams, it unraveled from finish to start. First (which was really last), I found myself seated before the wooden platform humans call a “table.” In front of me was a circular piece of porcelain that I’ve seen described in human culinary lore as a “plate.”

It was obvious from the glossy sheen of the plate that I had happily licked it clean, no doubt as part of the bizarre Earth process of eating. How embarrassing! On Planet DooF, the fuel-intake process of poolging is much more efficient: we quickly and neatly inhale gloop through the lower facial opening that humans refer to as a mouth. It requires a single nanosecond — and there’s certainly no licking involved!

And yet, in my dream, I knew that the smile on my face and the extraordinarily satisfied feeling deep within me had come from the ingestion of slurpable strands unlike any gloop I’ve ever poolged.

When I awakened, my cabin was filled with a rich, savory aroma that made my mouth water and my heart sing. I had no idea where this strange and wonderful smell was coming from — but I knew what I had to do.

As though under orders from the highest DooFian commander (my wife), I jumped out of bed, rushed to the astroparticle-analysis tank and liberated the noodles. I ran over to Y’s cabin, where I found her awake and grinning a galaxy-wide grin bright enough to light up a thousand solar systems.

“Guess what, Dad,” she exclaimed. “It’s time to eat!”

Related posts:

1. Elementary Analysis Tracking (EAT) Noodles
2. Poolging Noodles
3. 4000 Year Old Noodles!!!

To:

I’ve received your supersecret request to help you cook up a noodle-eating plan that Commander Pollo won’t be able to resist.

From reading your solarship log, it sounds like your dad was very intrigued by all the delicious baking aromas that drifted beyond the Earth’s atmosphere during the holiday season. The sweet smells of spices and chocolate actually made him want to eat cookies — and he doesn’t even know what cookies are!

If DooFians are similar to humans (which I believe they are), the sense of smell plays a huge role in the way things taste. I’ll explain more about that later — for now, it’s important to understand that on Earth, the aroma of people’s favorite foods is enough to make them really, really hungry.

If this approach worked for cookies, there’s no reason it can’t work for noodles.

So here’s what we’ll do: in our top-secret kitchen lab here at BITE, we’re going to cook up the world’s largest batch of spaghetti (a kind of noodle), then use our most powerful Olfactory AstroFans to propel the aromas through the stratosphere to the DSS Gastronomy.

Trust me, there are very few humans who can resist the savory aroma of a spaghetti dinner — and I’ll bet your dad won’t be able to either!

Related posts:

1. Greetings DOOFians: (Official BITE Communication)
2. Fahrenheit 212
3. Poolging Noodles

Solarship Log:

Okay Lt. Trippe, you go bang up our velocitator and try to be a famous time-travel hero. I’ve got more important things to do.

Like what? Like noodles — and when we can EAT them!

Dad’s still got the package of noodles locked up in our astroparticle-analysis tank, but so far we’re not getting any readings. Of course, Lt. Trippe thinks it’s because I didn’t program it right, but that’s just typical Trippey obnoxiousness.

I’m pretty sure the reason we can’t analyze the noodles is because we don’t have any data to base it on. The only settings I have are Gloop-o-Licious ones, which are totally wrong for the stuff humans call food.

I’ve been doing some cyberspace research, which seems to indicate that the only way to really understand food is to eat it. In fact, the way some humans write about food, you’d think it was magic.

For example, this one Earth guy named Anthelme Brillat Savarin (wow, I thought DooFians had funny names!) wrote this a long time ago:

“The discovery of a new dish does more for human happiness than the discovery of a new star.”

How mega-galactic is that?!! FOOD is more important than a STAR?

If this is even sort-of true, I think we should forget analyzing the noodles and just eat them right away! I know Dad’s a bit worried about this whole eating thing, but sometimes grownups really need to just listen to their kids.

And if he won’t? Well, I have a plan — and it all depends on Agent Cook. In fact, I’m going to send her a supersecret message right now!

Related posts:

1. 4000 Year Old Noodles!!!
2. Poolging Noodles
3. Fahrenheit 212

Hey, I can’t believe how easy it is to fly this ship — and I’m zooming along at about a million times the speed of light! Oh yeah, the DSS Gastronomy really sails like a dream, even when I’m writing in this log and sucking on a gloopsicle and navigating and steering all at the same time.

I mean, I had my share of crashes in flight school — but I am really cruising now!

Oops. I just slammed the ship into an asteroid belt and dented the velocitator. Y came running into the cockpit, laughed her head off, then fixed the velocitator in about two nanoseconds. Little show-off!

Big deal, I say. Commander P is supposed to be flying this thing, anyway. I have more important things to think about.

Like what? Like time travel!

My official job, as Lieutenant Assistant Time-Navigator is to find out how food has been made since the beginning of Planet Earth’s recorded history.

Commander P says people on Planet DooF don’t understand that food is the key to our future. If DooFians can adapt to it they’ll have more energy and won’t have to sleep three-quarters of the time.

He says that if I can show people how to do that with things like noodles I’ll be a hero on DooF.

Hear that, folks? HERO!

Related posts:

1. Don’t Ask Y!
2. Elementary Analysis Tracking (EAT) Noodles
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Solarship Log:

As the DSS Gastronomy approaches the Earth’s atmosphere, our solarship’s energy sensors are detecting an unusual amount of activity around the planet’s North Pole.

Every time Y tries to reprogram the navigation system so that we can get a closer look, the control panel gets jammed by flashing red and green lights. What could this indicate?

As far as I’m aware from studying Earth traffic manuals, red means “stop” and green means “go”. But both at the same time? Is this some advanced form of intergalactic traffic control? (Note to self: ask Agent Cook about this).

At random intervals, our radar screen shows an unidentified flying object which appears to consist of a motorless intraplanetary chariot pulled by large antlered creatures, one of which seems to have a glowing red nose. (Does that mean “stop”? I don’t want to start my Earth travel with a traffic ticket!).

As we zoom in closer on our magnifier screen, the operator of this primitive-looking vehicle appears to be a rotund, bearded human male wearing a conical red-and-white hat. Of course, Lieutenant Trippe is dying to get his hands on this headgear, as he’s certain it indicates a commander of the very highest rank.

Another odd thing: radiating from the Earth’s surface is a strangely enticing smell that we’ve never encountered on Planet DooF. We analyzed some microscopic olfactory particles that we found in the vehicle: cinnamon, vanilla, butter, sugar and … chocolate. Are these some sort of Earthly fuel emissions?

I wish I had the words to describe this amazing aroma. All I can say is that something about it makes me want to reach into a glass jar and pull out a disc-like object. For some reason, I feel I must put this object in my mouth and crunch it between my teeth. Strange as it seems, the idea gives me great pleasure.

I wish we had a ship’s doctor on board — I think the change in galaxies is getting to me.

Related posts:

1. Official BITE Communication: Supersecret Noodle Message
2. “Commence Cooking!”
3. Backwards Time Travel

Solarship Log:

Wow, now that Agent Cook explained that noodles are a type of gloop — I mean, food — I can’t wait to get to Planet Earth. I’m going to go back in time and REALLY show everybody what a noodle is!

I told you before that time travel was my big thing at the DooFian Intergalactic Space Academy. Well okay, I was second to last in my class, but at least I wasn’t the VERY last.

Anyway, let’s just say that my dad (who commands the DooFian Solarsailship Space Force) was able to get me on this voyage based on my ability to jump back and forth in time at the drop of a hat.

Speaking of hats, one thing I’m pretty sure about is that they’re super-important on Planet Earth. I’ve heard you can fit in anywhere (and in any time period) as long as you’re wearing the right hat. So all I need to do when I go back in time is put on a crown, a helmet, a beret — well, you get the idea.

Thinking about all the high-hatting kids who graduated higher than me at the Academy, bragging about their interviews and applications to remote triple-planetary way stations. But who ending up getting this totally top-guy assignment? Me!

I even got a galactogram today from my so-called buddy Bleen, who was #1 in my class. After he read all the important stuff our ship’s crew sent back to DooF’s astronews-dispatchers, he figured he should tell me what this is really about.

“Nobody cares about this food stuff,” he wrote. “Even if it does taste better than gloop. Your dad’s just getting you out of the way so you don’t embarrass him anymore.”

Well, I’ll show him. I’ll show them all!

In fact, I say: hats off to me!

Related posts:

1. Don’t Ask Y!
2. 4000 Year Old Noodles!!!
3. Y and Where

I still can’t believe we actually got our first communication from Planet Earth!

Supersecret Agent Cook from BITE gave us some cool answers about the noodles. She said they’re totally worth the voyage across the cosmos.

Still, it’s funny how answers can just make you want to ask more questions. Like this one: If the noodles are food, and food is like gloop, then does that mean we just poolg them?

On Planet DooF, poolg means that you reconvert the gloop back into energy by inhaling it through the lower facial opening that humans call the “mouth.” So that must be what eating is.

Poolging is NOT interesting, though. I mean, it takes about a nanosecond. There is NO WAY any DooFian would go on a transgalactic expedition just so they could learn about poolging — or boring old gloop. That would be totally nuts!

So there must be more to this food and eating stuff than that. I wish we could try eating the noodles, but I’m not sure my dad will okay that. If we do it wrong, we’ll have totally destroyed the thing that started our whole mission. But if we do it right, it will give us a great start on understanding all about food.

I would ask Lt. Trippe what he thinks about all this, but he’s giving me so much attitude lately that I don’t want to risk it. He’d just start laughing his head off about there being something that the pipsqueak brainiac doesn’t know. Then he’d go mess up my new asteroid-avoider program on the navigation system and tell me it never worked to begin with.

Forget it: I’m not asking Lt. Trippe. I’ll find a way to figure out this food stuff – after all kids are the highest life forms ever, right?

So the question is: how can I convince my dad that eating noodles will be WAY better than poolging them?

Related posts:

1. Elementary Analysis Tracking (EAT) Noodles
2. 4000 Year Old Noodles!!!
3. “Commence Cooking!”

My name is Supersecret Agent Cook, and I’m the Chief Interplanetary Communicator for BITE (Bureau for Intelligent Transgalactic Eating).

We at BITE have been aware of life on Planet DooF for some time now, but the powerful radiodynamic force field surrounding DooF’s atmosphere made it impossible for us to send you any messages. Then, today, our Gastrogalactoscope intercepted your solarship log!

I can see from your log that you’re wondering about those mysterious noodles — and that Commander Pollo believes that finding out about them is important enough for a transgalactic expedition.

Well, he’s right: they are a big deal!

Here’s why: Noodles are a type of substance that people on Earth call “food,” which we use in many of the same ways DooF inhabitants use Gloop. Like Gloop, food gives us energy and helps our bodies grow and stay strong. Unlike Gloop, though, food comes in lots of amazing forms and flavors. (In fact, once you taste some great food, you’ll understand why it’s worth traveling a thousand or even a million galactic light orbits for it.)

To be super-simple, noodles are a special kind of food that we call carbohydrates (say it: car-bo-hi-drates). Besides being long and slippery and really fun to eat, noodles give us lots of energy so we can run and jump and go from place to place (including outer space!).

Where did the noodles come from? BITE wanted to make sure that everyone in the universe had the chance to fuel up on some healthy Earth food, so we blasted a million packets of noodles into the cosmos — and you, Commander Pollo, actually found one. Nice catch!

The fact that it had the word “pollo” on it was purely an accident. Kind of a funny story, actually. You see, food can be made from lots of different things. We call them ingredients (in-gree-dee-ants) and one of the ingredients in the noodles we sent is “chicken” (I’ll get to that later). Thing is, since we weren’t sure how people talked on other planets, we labeled the noodles in different Earth languages. In Spanish and Italian, which are two other Earth languages, chicken is called “pollo.” So that’s how your commander’s name ended up on the package. No, that doesn’t mean we think you’re a chicken, Commander!

Well, I hope this begins to answer some of your questions. I’ll bet you’ll have more, so please feel free to contact me using your solarship log.

In the meantime: welcome to Planet Earth!

P.S. For more fun food stuff, click here.

Related posts:

1. Official BITE Communication: Supersecret Noodle Message
2. Poolging Noodles
3. Elementary Analysis Tracking (EAT) Noodles